Cutting Fitness

Posts Tagged ‘Weight Gain’

Aerobics, dancing, running, and much more. Women really can do it all. They need to keep fit now they’re more active outside the home. No matter how fantastically fit they become, there is one exercise they’re still not allowed to do. The one, the only, strength training. Women can climb every mountain, conquer every continent, and swim every sea, but they are forbidden from lifting more than a two-pound dumbbell. Here are five reasons why.

1. Metabolism Booster

It’s a myth that a pound of muscle burns 50 calories a day. However, muscle does burn more than fat, three times more. Just 10 pounds of extra muscle a year would burn off almost twenty-two thousand calories. Muscle also burns extra calories during exercise, so you’ll get another boost! This is a disaster because women should not burn extra calories. The more calories you burn, the more you can eat. Women aren’t supposed to eat too much.

2. Sexy Definition

Some people don’t like women with defined bodies. Muscular biceps, triceps, thighs, and calves are avoided by not doing strength training. Women can easily avoid celebrity abs, toned arms, and firm thighs by avoiding strength training. Normal women should stick with the saggy, flabby, jiggly look.

3. Time-Saver

Another myth is that exercise should take hours a day. It’s the perfect excuse for people not to bother exercising at all. For once, an excuse is a good thing! Intense strength training boosts your metabolism for up to 24 hours after your session ends. This means you could do as little as 15 minutes today and keep burning calories until tomorrow. Cardio calorie burn only lasts up to an hour after you finish. Ladies, keep doing those three-hour exercise marathons. Let the men do quick sessions and get on with their busy lives.

4. Aerobic

Yes, strength training is also aerobic. Just watch an intense strength training to see the buckets of sweat, pink puffy cheeks, and out-of-breath men struggling to lift that dumbbell. Lifting weights, even very slowly, works the body hard. Your muscles, joints, bones, and fat are working harder than ever, so it’s natural that you get out of breath. Of course women shouldn’t do this. They should stick with hours of cardio aerobics instead of brief, effective workouts with weights.

5. Strong Bones

Speaking of joints and bones, strength training works them too. This might not seem like a big deal when you’re young, but it will during your twilight years. For women, menstrual cycles drain our bodies of iron, which weakens our bones and joints. When we hit menopause, old age sets in, so our bones and joints don’t get a chance to recover. Good. Women should have weak bones and joints because then we’re at risk of anaemia, osteoporosis, and general aches and pains. You’ll enjoy doing hours of cardio with bad knees and exhaustion (anaemia does that…). Oh well.

A higher metabolism, a celebrity body, more spare time, better fitness, and strong bones for life are five reasons why women shouldn’t strength train. The life improvement lifting weights causes should be for men only. Women can stick with cardio and tiny dumbbells a baby could lift while men will get the fantastic benefits of weight lifting.
Sounds fair to me.

Ill-advised: http://www.flickr.com/photos/pasukaru76/5268559005 (Pascal,December 2010)

Ladies and Gentlemen, the moment you have not been waiting for…*drum roll and tambourine*

Cutting Fitness…The Musical Ebook!

You know how those ebook sales pitches are? Always loooooooong. WAY OVER THE TOP!! Persuasive.

You end up selling your soul for a 60 Day Money Back Guarantee.

Oh well. I’ve got to sell this ebook! This MUST be done…

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Fat. Jiggly. Wiggly. PIGgly. Life sucks as a fat person.

Or does it…?

Yes. It does.

I know you want to ESCAPE the flab and finally be fab, but there’s something holding you back.

Money? Motivation? Mother Nature?

Whatever it is, you need help.

Let ME help YOU help YOURSELF!

It all started twenty years ago when I reached the grand old age of two. I was ‘chubby’, but most would say I was fat. Anyway, over the years I grew up and stayed fat. 5 yrs old? Fat. 10 yrs old? Fatter. 15 yrs old? Fattest. I went from struggling to fit into size 14s to bursting out of size 20s. What a sad time…

To cut a lifelong story short, I finally took action at the age of 17. It only took 6 yrs to reach my goal. I know other fitness programs promise results in 12 weeks, but, seriously, you shouldn’t rush these things. If I could’ve taken 10 yrs I would have. Don’t ask why I didn’t.

5-10lbs overweight…

When I lost the weight, I finally noticed lots of other fatties. Something had to be done! I had to rescue them from their misery…for a fee, of course. I’ve got bills to pay. I sat down at my laptop and typed for hours and hours before finally logging off Facebook and getting down to business.

The result…Not much. I got bored and let my ideas simmer for a good while…a minute later, I returned and produced THE LAST FITNESS BOOK YOU WILL EVER BUY…

CUTTING FITNESS – HOW NOT TO BE FIT

I proudly present to you the future best-selling fitness ebook of all time! Cutting Fitness – How NOT To Be Fit (TM) gives the worst best fitness advice for anyone who’s sick and tired of squeezing into clothes. If you want fantastic results in DAYS or WEEKS, don’t buy this book. If you want some improvement eventually, my book might help. It might not. I don’t know. If you subscribe to my Cutting Fitness blog mailing list (Don’t say you didn’t notice the subscription box!), you’ll receive a whopping discount of up to 0.5%!

If you’re nosy and cheap, read on to see what’s in the book before you buy it. If you trust me, and know you’re getting your money’s worth, skip to the end to see the cost and pay up!

Chapter 1: About Zahra Brown…..Pages 1-100

This chapter shares my life story. Page 99 explains how I discovered the INCREDIBLE exercises and food in this book. Page 13 reveals why yellow isn’t my favourite colour anymore – it’s blue now! Pages 45-67 plug my other websites: Maintain Weight Forever, 7 Days to Success, Healthy Black Queens, and Zahra Brown, my web content business.

Chapter 2: More About Zahra Brown…….Pages 101-109

Exclusive glossy photographs of me. Also features my favourite demotivational and confusing fitness quotes. The remaining quotes will be shared only in my Cutting Fitness mailing list.

Chapter 3: How Cutting Fitness started…..Pages 110-200

Isn’t this self-explanatory? Goodness gracious…

Chapter 4: The Science Behind Cutting Fitness - How NOT To Be Fit…..Pages 201-509

This 300 page chapter BRIEFLY explains the biology, chemistry, and physics behind…stuff. If you want to know why I chose specific meal plans or exercises then skip this chapter. It won’t tell you. If you want endless amounts of boring, confusing research, DO NOT miss this section. It’s full of brilliant scientific jargon you won’t understand!

Chapter 5: How To Lose Fat….Pages 510-512

I HAD to include this because fitness always focuses on weight loss. There are two sentences for people who want to gain weight. I would’ve put more for the skinny people, but I couldn’t be bothered. I can’t do EVERYTHING, you know?

Chapter 6: How To Exercise….Page 513-513

Full of lots and LOTS of exercises and workouts that will completely confuse you. 10 sets of 60? Check! Bicep, tricep and ankle combos? Check! Equipment you can’t afford, can’t access, and didn’t know existed? You betcha! You’ll have to modify everything in this chapter – EVERYTHING, I say – unless you have a fully kitted gym with a HAWT fitness instructor at home.

Chapter 7: Affiliates……Pages 514-600

The real reason I wrote this book! At the very last minute, I decided to include a few hundred affiliates. Just click the link provided, buy their product(s), and don’t get your refund within the 60 Day Money Back Guarantee, okay? If you find any rolling subscriptions, BUY FROM THEM! I’ll get 75% commission when you get charged $59.99 each month!

Chapter 8: Bibliography….Pg 601-902

This was SO boring to write, and all because of that stupid scientific research I referenced! Show your appreciation by actually reading this bit.

!!FREE BONUSES!!

Hurry! I’ll be removing these bonuses very, very, VERY soon (in 5 yrs or so), so buy today or miss out! Once they’re gone, they’re gone. I won’t fulfil any requests for them unless you pay me. A lot. In Sterling. No refunds.

BONUS #1: Printable Measuring Tape worth $29.99!

When the scale sucks (or breaks), the measuring tape is still your friend! See whether you’re getting fitter or fatter with this handy tool. Waste paper AND ink by printing this off your PC. This bonus comes in bright white with dark black numbers and markings. If you prefer other designs, colour it in yourself!

BONUS #2: Zahra Brown’s autograph in silver ink worth $64.83!

That’s right! Due to ridiculously low demand, I’ve included this heartfelt attachment. Place it under your pillow and dream of me. In your sleep, I’ll provide unlimited personal training sessions I’d charge upwards of $300 ph if we were awake. If you dribble over the autograph and ruin it, just send me a quick email and I’ll replace it…for $64.83. Don’t complain! I didn’t charge you the first time!

BONUS #3: Failure Stories booklet worth $32.54!

They’re all around us…the FAILURES! The ones who tried other fitness programs, lost the weight, and gained every pound back. They deserve it for not choosing my book! Why see Success Stories when you can see pitiful, disgusting failures? Do you want to be a failure? Darn right you don’t! Hiss, boo, and stick out your tongue at these failures’ photos. Use this program and I promise you won’t end up like them.

BONUS #4: Workout and Healthy Diet Diary worth $48.99!

This blank Word document is perfect for documenting your (lack of) progress. Just produce a pretty graph and stick it. Somewhere. If you want the Excel version, email me with your Paypal details. You’ll only get your software when payment clears. No exceptions will be made!

BONUS #5: Ebook by someone you’ve never heard of before now worth $14.99!

I don’t know who she is either. She needs the exposure. You don’t have to download this. I’m not.

LAST, BUT NOT LEAST, THE TESTIMONIALS!

“Zahra has produced amazing work. She’s an amazing person. I love her.” – Greg Smith, Researcher at a University

“I can’t believe she doesn’t charge MORE for this book! Greedy personal trainers and writers would charge AT LEAST ten times more!” – Jane Doe, Former Fatty

 

“This book changed my life. You can find everything inside it on the internet for FREE, but why not pay? Zahra’s worked so hard on writing, editing, and distributing this book. She deserves lots of money for collecting all that free information so she could charge us for it…There! I said it. Will you feed me now?” – Mercedes Brown, Zahra’s Dog

“What’re you waiting for? Just buy the book!” – Zahra Brown, No relation to Cutting Fitness’s Zahra Brown

THE CONCLUSION

HURRY! It’s a digital book, so copies are limited. First come, first serve. Don’t come, don’t serve. Get your credit/debit card out and INVEST in yourself. I, I mean, YOU deserve it! Just imagine how much better your life will be. If this book actually works, you’ll be a bit closer to the body of your dreams. However, you must act fast or this offer will be GONE FOREVER!

THE COST

I know what you’re thinking. “Why hasn’t she given the cost yet? That means the book must be REALLY expensive!” Actually, misery guts, you’re right wrong. It’s very affordable, especially for the rich.

Before I give you the asking price, let me put it into perspective. If I don’t, you won’t buy the book. Trust me.

• A private session with me costs $300 ph.
• The book’s research cost at least $0, but it took AGES on Google. My time must be reimbursed.
• The bonuses are worth a grand total of $191.34, but you’re getting them for FREE!
• There’s other stuff I’m including too. They’re worth $80.14.
• I almost forgot…The book is worth $249.96.

This gives a grand total of only $821.44.

Wait! Don’t run off yet! I HAVEN’T FINISHED!!!!!!

Remember, if you subscribe to my Cutting Fitness mailing list, you’ll get a discount of 0.5%, but only if you subscribe TODAY! Not tomorrow, not yesterday, not next week. TODAY!

Anyway, the value of this life saving, amazing, fantastic, awesome, totally rad, pretty cool, rather neat, nice fitness package is $821.44.

You are NOT gonna pay that!

For the next 24hrs only, I’m providing the system on a trial basis. You’ll have 21 days to try out the program. If you don’t like it, I don’t like you. Ask for a refund and I’ll give your money back. MANY questions will be asked. If you don’t request a refund before the three weeks are up, tough luck! I’m charging the full cost. If I accidentally miss your email request to end the trial, don’t worry, I’ll still charge you. However, I AM a nice person, so you’ll still have the 60 Day Money Back Guarantee.

So what’s the price?

I could have charged you a MASSIVE $821.44! That’s almost $900! That’s more than $800! Wow!

Just for today, the trial price will be…$39.99. What a drop! The full cost of the package will be only $139.99! That’s right, a HUGE SAVING of $681.45. Imagine what you’ll do with all that lovely money you’re SAVING!

Cutting Fitness…The Ebook!

DUE SOON

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THE SMALL PRINT

Nothing to see here…Move along!

Legal Notice: The Cutting Fitness – How NOT to Be Fit ebook includes membership to Zahra Brown’s Inner Circle. Basic membership costs $49.99 pw. Deluxe accounts cost $89.99 pw. This is a rolling subscription. If you forget to cancel the account, too bad! No refunds will be issued. Zahra isn’t qualified in health and fitness, but she doesn’t have to tell you that. You should’ve asked. The book isn’t formatted, so don’t expect paragraphs, different fonts, page borders, photos or page numbers. Quantity, not quality! Zahra lives in Great Britain – no, she hasn’t met the Queen – so she will charge VAT, which is currently a low, low 20%. This brings the ebook’s price to $167.99. Don’t moan! You’re still saving over $600! That’ll teach you for reading the small print.