Cutting Fitness

Posts Tagged ‘Fitness Routine’

Animal Fitness Exclusive!

With paleo and primal fitness taking the world by storm,  I decided to cash in delve into this topic. In short, paleo and primal fitness involves going back to our roots. Not our parents or grandparents, but cavemen and prehistoric ancestors. Paleo and primal living means you eat and exercise freely, not obsessively, and cut down, or out, certain foods like grains and carbs. In contrast with most fitness programs, paleo and primal living are the ultimate freedom…

Okay, enough with that nonsense. Let’s get down to business!

If you’re going back to your roots, go ALL THE WAY! The cavemen and gals weren’t here first. Animals were. How many unfit dinosaurs were there? Exactly! Obviously animals know how to keep slim and trim, but which animal sets the best example? Cheetahs? Horses? Dogs? Don’t be silly! The obvious choices are…

1. SLOTHS: Slow as a Sloth!

Animal Fitness‘s exercise routine is simple because there isn’t one. No fitness charts for the next 60 days. No reps, sets, and exercises to memorise. No getting out of breath. No getting sweaty. Anyone can do this because there is only ONE, easy rule: Slow down.

To follow the way of the sloth, move slowly so you’ve got time to absorb your surroundings. Sloths move as fast as 2 metres per minute. In today’s fast paced world, it’s nice to have time to enjoy just being. Don’t move too quickly or you’ll burn lots of calories and end up with a hot, sexy body that’s perfect for the beach. We don’t want that! Move slower to lower your metabolism. A sluggish metabolism makes it harder to lose weight. This is brilliant for everyone who wants lose weight! Keep fighting!

2. ELEPHANTS: Eat like an Elephant!

Animal Fitness‘s nutrition is easy and enjoyable. There’s no low carb, low protein, low fat, low calorie, etc plans to follow. You won’t cut out meat, grains, fruit, food, etc. You won’t have to be non-alcoholic. Every animal does Intuitive Eating like this, not calorie counting or portion watching. Eat and drink to your heart’s desire like your pets do!

To follow the way of the elephant, elephants eat 300kg (approx 600lbs) a day. No more turning down tasty food or drinks. Eat, eat, and drink. It feels great when food in your stomach weighs more than you! My body weighs 135lbs right now, but stepping on the scale to see 700lbs+ always makes me smile. Last week the scale broke when I stepped on…Anyway, with my sloth-like metabolism, it’ll take a week for food to make it through my digestive system. Brilliant backlog!

3. CHAMELEONS: Commit like a Chameleon!

The so-called experts say we should commit to ONE routine for 4-6 weeks while it works it’s magic. What’s the alternative? Do a new workout every session, but eventually that gets boring too. What’s the right alternative? Animal Fitness! It takes a varied healthy lifestyle to a whole new level.

Chameleons blend with their surroundings. That’s the Animal Fitness way! If someone is jogging down the street, start jogging too. If someone is binge eating, stuff your face too. If someone is regaining, get fat again too. Make sure that you don’t stand out! Individuals do whatever it takes to get fit. They’re the ones with a six pack and gorgeous figure. Screw them! Why hit the gym with hot abs when you can be fat and unhappy with friends? Aw, good times…

So the next time you hear that Paleo nonsense or get the urge to Grok on Primal style, stick your fingers in your ears and run…slowly like a sloth. When you get home, eat everything in the kitchen like an elephant would. If you run out of food, binge at the supermarket instead. Don’t exercise unless others are – remember, chameleons aren’t individuals – and don’t go overboard or you’ll burn off the 600lbs of food!

Photo Copyright: Africa

Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present to you another CUTTING FITNESS exclusive!

After spending ten long seconds in deep thought, and using the best of my fitness ‘expertise’, I have devised the BEST FITNESS ROUTINE…EVER! That’s right! If you’re sick and tired of fun, effective, body sculpting, toning, ab definition, etc then follow this plan to achieve the ultimate success! Even better, you can tailor the program to suit your needs.

Read on.

1. Exercise Duration

Ideally, the BEST FITNESS ROUTINE EVER should last for 3-4 hrs every day.Yes, workouts like HIIT burn more fat long term BUT we’re not talking about that! Choose ‘steady state’ cardio so you can workout for hours. Do less than 3 hrs and you’re lazy. Do more than 4hrs and you’re a show off. Stick to the plan!

2. Morning Workouts 

She didn't use this routine…

Now it’s time to plan how you’ll break up the 3-4 hr long workout. Exercise in the morning, but you must complete the whole session (3-4hrs) before 11:59:59 am. After 12pm you’ve entered the afternoon, which is closer to the evening. The evening leads to the night, and you know what happens at night, don’t you? Your metabolism slooooooows down and stores everything you eat, drink, and breathe as fat! If you don’t believe me, try it! Eat ONE grape at 10pm and see what happens on the scale tomorrow…

3. Body Toning

Some people believe weights will make you bulky. Others say strength training makes you slim. Assume they’re both right and wrong by compromising! Lift light weights (no more than 0.5kg/1lb) at least 5 times a week – every day if you’ve got a close deadline. This way you’ll enjoy a slight tingle while you tone, but no burn or soreness with BIG muscles. Remember, women shouldn’t be physically strong. That’s what men are for.

4. Push Through Injuries

So-called experts say you shouldn’t exercise when injured. As usual, I disagree. When you’re working out and injured, the pain pushes you to finish faster. If you slack off then remember this: the longer you workout the worse your injury will be. Waste enough time and your injury could end up being permanent, so hurry up!!!!

5. Repetition, Repetition, Repetition!

Whatever exercise you choose, do it forever. Your body will get used to the routine, and burn less calories as a result, but so what? By that time you’ll be maintaining your weight and fitness, so calorie burn won’t matter anymore. Yes, you might get bored and stop working out altogether, but that’s your problem, not mine. I don’t care It doesn’t matter how many reps or sets you do, but I suggest at least 200 reps of 50 sets every day.

Now you know the BEST FITNESS ROUTINE EVER! I shouldn’t have revealed this industry secret, but I know you’ll keep it to yourself. If you’ve been wondering how Michelle Obama got those arms, Britney got those abs, and Beyonce got those legs, and the cast of 300 got everything…Keep wondering. Anyway, this routine should get you in shape fast! Obey the 5 rules and you’ll be smoking hot on the beach (Hot dudes!) or wind up in hospital with serious injury (Hot nurses!). See why this is the BEST FITNESS ROUTINE…ever?